筆記時間：2021/05/29
標題：Don't suffer from your depression in silence
演講者：Nikki Webber Allen
時長：6m26s
影片和講稿來源：ted官網
What are you doing on this stage in front of all these people?
That's the voice of my anxiety talking. Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong, I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom(世界末日般的預感), like danger is lurking just around the corner.
You see, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression -- two conditions that often go hand in hand. Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody, especially not in front of a big audience. As a black woman, I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed. And like most people in my community, I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness, a character flaw. But I wasn't weak; I was a high achiever. I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies and had a string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries. I'd even won two Emmy Awards for my hard work. Sure, I was totally spent, I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy, barely ate, struggled with insomnia and felt isolated and depleted. But depressed? No, not me.
It took weeks before I could admit it, but the doctor was right: I was depressed. Still, I didn't tell anybody about my diagnosis. I was too ashamed. I didn't think I had the right to be depressed. I had a privileged life with a loving family and a successful career. And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors that my ancestors had been through in this country so that I could have it better, my shame grew even deeper. I was standing on their shoulders. How could I let them down? I would hold my head up, put a smile on my face and never tell a soul.
On July 4, 2013, my world came crashing on me. That was the day I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul, had ended his life, after years of battling depression and anxiety. There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt. Paul and I were very close, but I had no idea he was in so much pain. Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles. The shame and stigma kept us both silent.
Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on(直面它), so I spent the next two years researching depression and anxiety, and what I found was mind-blowing. The World Health Organization reports that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability in the world. While the exact cause(準確原因) of depression isn't clear, research suggests that most mental disorders develop, at least in part, because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and/or an underlying genetic predisposition. So you can't just shake it off.
For black Americans, stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities put them at a 20 percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder yet they seek mental health services at about half the rate of white Americans. One reason is the stigma, with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness. Sadly, the suicide rate among black children has doubled in the past 20 years. 對黑人來說，因為種族歧視和社會經濟的壓力讓他們更高20%的患病機率，但尋求心理治療的機率只有白人的一半。其中一個原因是恥辱，63％的美國黑人將抑鬱症誤認為缺點。難過的是，黑人小孩自殺的機率在過去20年成長了一倍。
Now, here's the good news: seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve with therapy, treatment and medication. Armed with this information, I made a decision: I wasn't going to be silent anymore. With my family's blessing, I would share our story in hopes of sparking a national conversation.
A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said, "Being strong is killing us." She's right. We have got to retire those tired, old narratives of the strong black woman and the super-masculine black man, who, no matter how many times they get knocked down, just shake it off and soldier on(不畏困難;堅持下去). Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness. Feelings mean we're human. And when we deny our humanity, it leaves us feeling empty inside, searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the void. My drug was high achievement.
These days, I share my story openly, and I ask others to share theirs, too. I believe that's what it takes to help people who may be suffering in silence to know that they are not alone and to know that with help, they can heal. Now, I still have my struggles, particularly with the anxiety, but I'm able to manage it through daily mediation, yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
If I feel like things are starting to spiral, I make an appointment to see my therapist, a dynamic black woman named Dawn Armstrong, who has a great sense of humor and a familiarity that I find comforting. I will always regret that I couldn't be there for my nephew. But my sincerest hope is that I can inspire others with the lesson that I've learned.
Life is beautiful. Sometimes it's messy, and it's always unpredictable. But it will all be OK when you have your support system to help you through it. I hope that if your burden gets too heavy, you'll ask for a hand, too.
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
安海瑟薇也演過，除了發病的時候沒辦法像她這麼美一樣，大部份都算真實的，就有時候糟糕起來真的什麼事情都沒辦法做，真正有力氣自殺通常都在轉好的時候，可能那天不一定是最糟糕的一天，或許天氣很好、可能那天的午餐很好吃，可能那天就是某一天了。
我認為平常如果朋友跟你談到想自殺時，不用太著急的譴責或給一大堆心靈雞湯，否定這件事情是沒用的，或以輕蔑的想法說「想死的人根本不會嚷嚷。」
請問問他，你會留下遺書嗎？
請問問他，你死前有沒有想讓我知道的事？
請問問他，你離開後有沒有想要我幫你完成的？
請問問他，你會跟我說再見嗎？
不管你們多麼要好、多麼親密，他總會在一個再平常不過的日子離開你的
所以請不要忌諱跟他討論有關死亡的話題
我來不及，所以請你不要重蹈覆轍，請好好跟他說再見。
peace.
附上美的要死的安海瑟薇